The Etape Village-Gateway to Hell

The feelings of slight apprehension about my ability to complete the Etape surfaced when we went to register at the Etape Village in Gap. Glancing around the sponsors’ stalls I could see the usual suspects-Powerbar, Trek, Isostar, Mavic as well as the bizarre-Gillette??. A quick glimpse at the legs of my fellow etapers confirmed my fears-7500 participants/7499 leg-shavers (Dr Stangeglove refused to give my Gillette Venus a whirl under any circumstances). Bearing in mind that less than two hundred women enter the Etape the statistics were scary. These guys are serious. Further surveillance of their bikes (I only spotted two steel frames-both on the back of our car) lead to even more anxiety. In search of the edge I went to visit the homologous blood doping tent-Basso, Ullrich, Hamilton must know something about how to complete a stage of Le Tour. As I awoke to see a multitude of faces looking down at me I remembered my penchant for fainting at the site of a needle. Looks like its back to bananas and pedaling hard.
To be continued. Meanwhile there is a fairly accurate report of the Etape here:

Tweedledon and Tweedledee- The Road to Morven

Our last big ride before the Etape was a grand randonnee, 180km through Aberdeenshire at an average of 23.7km/hr. The route was Aberdeen-Alford-Strathdon-Morven-Ballater-Aberdeen. Cycling out along the Don we could already see the black clouds swirling over Morven and anticipated with dread what lay ahead of us. Although this might look like The Shire I was feeling edgy as Ringwraiths on motorcycles bore down on us from every direction. Stopping for a drink I heard a bloodcurdling scream- I quickly drew my sword (aka pump) ready to defend my stead only to find that Dr Strangeglove had dropped his peanut butter sandwich in the mud. Maybe my imagination was getting the better of me but exercise induced delirium encourages both paranoid delusions and strokes of genius-but who can tell which is which when half way up a 1 in 5 gradient?

“I thought of that while riding my bike.” -Albert Einstein, on the theory of relativity


Just as we reached the base of Morven the sun came out to reproduce the conditions we are to experience in the Etape. Somehow we managed to make it to the summit despite the blistering 17oC heat and cruised down to Ballater for a raid on the bakery. We hammered back to Aberdeen along the Dee and reached home glad that Sunday would be a day of rest-from cycling anyway. I had foolishly agreed to partake in a little cross training-the Ythan Challenge. A 10km Multi-Terrain Adventure Race, but more about that later.

I'm Going Bananas

Yesterday we went for a 110km meander through the Dee Valley over undulating terrain. Our average speed of 24 km/hr was mostly fuelled by banana power.

Training for the Etape has lead to an exponential increase in the amount of bananas that we buy in our weekly shop and it’s becoming a tad embarrassing. In some parts of Sydney it’s rumored that having an upturned bunch of bananas in that little top part of the trolley indicates that you’re single and up for it. I don’t think this is the case in Aberdeen; otherwise my shopping trolley would have provoked an orgy in the Sainsbury’s fruit and veg section. However, it must mean something here because every time I stack up my huge pile of bananas (shown left) at the checkout I am invariably met with a raised eyebrow or salacious smirk. I’m willing to brave the consequences whatever they may be because bananas are the food of champions. Just ask Graeme Dott-the Scot who won this year’s world Snooker Championship.

"I ate bananas and drank Lucozade - anything to try and get energy."
If bananas can get him through 11 grueling frames of a marathon snooker match then they can get me through 11 hours of Alpine hill climbing. And they feature heavily on the Etape Menu.
35,000 bottles of mineral water18,000 bananas6,000 oranges30,000 slices of ginger bread5,000 slices of ham5,000 slices of cheese5,000 bars of chocolate10,000 pieces of fruit jelly6,000 madeleines525kg of pasta

Return to the Cairn O'Mount

"I still feel that variable gears are only for people over forty-five. Isn't it better to triumph by the strength of your muscles than by the artifice of a derailleur? We are getting soft... As for me, give me a fixed gear!"Henri Desgrange-Founder of Le Tour de France

Well Monsieur Desgrange, I’m afraid I’ve been seduced by the dark side. It had to be either EPO or a triple chainset but I needed something for the return to the Cairn O’Mount-the scene of my tandem shame. As you can see from the picture of Dr Strangeglove putting on my new chainset I opted for the lesser of two Evils. As for performance enhancing drugs all I had was several cheese and Vegemite panini. Last week during the 200km Audax I had suffered from Lucozade/Energy Gel/Jelly Baby overload and began to crave Vegemite. I thought I’d put it to the test this week and I can declare it an absolute master stroke.

Our loop was Aberdeen-Cairn O’Mount-Auchenblae-Stonehaven-Aberdeen, a distance of about 123km. After the clear vista from the top of the Cairn O’Mount we turned into the Drumtochty Glen Road, which was one of the most pleasant routes that we’ve done so far. Saturday morning was the perfect day for cycling in Scotland- sunny, no wind, new born lambs frolicking in the fields and breathtaking scenery. As soon as the clock struck midday we were faced with a wild hail shower for the last 30km. As they say in Scotland-if you don’t like the whether wait ten minutes.

Deeside Fruit Loop

On Sunday we took part in a 200km Audax Ride for certified fruit loops. Ostensibly named the Deeside Loop to encourage visions of tranquil spinning alongside the Dee this route took in 3105m of climbing including one of the steepest Hills in the UK.

Upon arriving at the start we should have realized what we were in for as the average age of 50 from our last Audax had been rejuvenated to a sprightly 35. The other riders all looked like axes with flash bikes. Not surprisingly we were dropped from the bunch after about 10 minutes. The separation anxiety didn’t last long as the Cairn O’Mount acted as a natural brake at a gradient of 20% in some parts. I had been looking forward to admiring the reputedly spectacular view from the top of the Cairn but it’s summer in Aberdeen so all we could see was the Haar. I decided midway up the Cairn O’Mount to invest in a triple chainset just as I was being overtaken by a tandem. Oh the shame. We then coasted down to Ballater alongside the Dee, waved to the Queen as we passed Balmoral and went on to Braemar-the start of the second major climb of the day-ominously called the Devil’s Elbow. The Devil’s Elbow was more like a goosebump when compared to the Cairn and we thought that we’d be home and hosed having reached the top. Again I hadn’t accounted for the wind tunnel factor. As soon as we reached the beautiful Glen Isla there was an enormous blast into our faces. Struggling on we finally reached the checkpoint at the Glenisla Hotel. One of the Audax axes already inside the pub greeted us with “That was murder” and proceeded to down a pint to give him strength for the remaining 30km of wind tunnel cycling.

When we finally made it back to Forfar we had completed the cycle in 9 hours 10mins at an average speed of 20.5km/hr. Just fast enough to avoid the broom wagon in the Etape which abducts anyone below 19km/hr and kicks them out of the race. We were also pleased to find a magnificent spread of cakes, biscuits, soup and Forfar Bridies. We didn’t beat the record for the fastest Deeside Loop but we did beat the record for the consumption of Forfar Bridies.


About L’Etape du Tour

This picture of Glen Isla is from the page of Simon Jauncey as I was carrying a camera with a flat battery for 200km. I was tempted to eat it just to get rid of the extra weight.

4929 and 4930

4929 and 4930
We now know our numbers for the Etape and I had also been given a sex change free of charge. Somehow I’d been entered in category B (male under 35) instead of F (female under 35). I know it’s possible to win in the male category with only one ball-but none? This was quickly rectified by an email to the Etape organizers who only need a couple of seconds (and no ribs) to make a woman from a man. Regardless of my sex I’ll be more than happy if I make it to the top of L’Alpe d’Huez in 4930th position.

L’Alpe d’Huez is the final climb to 1845m over 14.3km with an average gradient of 7.9%. This would be difficult enough if one were to start from the bottom of the mountain but just imagine it having already ridden about 170km!

Bring on the Hill Intervals.
The only way that I can see to train for this in Scotland where the highest pass is Bealach-na-Ba at 626m is become a Hill Interval Automaton. I say automaton because a frontal lobotomy makes this session almost bearable. We’ve found a steep hill near our flat which is about 2.5km long and takes about 10minutes to climb. We do 3-5 climbs per session which is supposed to increase our climbing lactate thresholds. We’ll be testing out the theory this weekend when we take on a 200km Audax with 3100m climbing through Royal Deeside. I think I’ll only make it if I imagine the broom wagon hot on my tail.

Scone the Flat Way

Scoon the Fla’ Wee. Our first Audax began in Forfar on a bright Easter morning and was described as “a flat route up the valley and back” by the Easter bunny/ registrar as she handed over our Cream Eggs and Brevet cards. We had no idea what to expect but it should have dawned on us then that “valley” in Scotland actually means wind tunnel. After the registrar told us the rules (get your card stamped at the control points and write down answers to questions at the information controls) we waited for the start and watched the other participants arriving. As they arrived in dribs and drabs we realized that we’d probably be the youngest by about 30 years. And I was only one of three females.

As 9am ticked over the majority of the riders took off at a speed belying the average age of the party. We managed to latch onto a small bunch as we headed out of Forfar in the direction of Scone. As soon as we turned westward the wind tunnel effect started up and we were pedaling away like crazy but hardly moving. This is where I discovered the advantage of cycling behind rather amply proportioned middle aged men. I snuck in behind one and stayed there for the first 50km until we reached the 1st control.

I must admit I felt a bit daft at the first control-racing a bunch of retirees to be the first to get the check-out chick at a service station to stamp my brevet card. The feeling soon gave way to joy when she stamped my card and gave me a hot cup of tea. I didn’t want to relax enjoying my cuppa for too long though. I couldn’t afford to let my wind break leave my sight Suddenly he was away so I skulled my tea and took chase.

The next information control was at a bus stop in a small village in the middle of nowhere. We had to write down what time the bus comes. I couldn’t believe it-the bus was supposed to come in 20 mins-I could just wait and then finish my own Scone the Easy Way Audax. Then I read the fine print-this bus does not run on Easter Sunday.

Sustenance during the ride
Pre ride
1 bowl of Pukkola

On the road
1 Raspberry Muffin
2 Alpine bars
1 Cadbury Crème egg
2 bottles half water/half apple juice

At the end
2 banana peanut butter and honey panini
1 raspberry muffin